This tounge-in-cheek "Bible" is a humorous look at the totalitarian world created by Adm. Hyman G. Rickover, and the crazy life of the submariner.
OI 1.1 The Creation
1.1-1 In the beginning was Rickover. Submarines were void and without form and the spirit of submarines patroled over the surface of the deep. And Rickover said "Let there be reactors", and there were reactors. Rickover saw the reactors were good and there was turnover and watch section clean-up, the first watch.
1.1-2 And Rickover said "Let there be two conditions, one to govern in port, and one to govern at sea". Rickover saw that the conditions were good. The greater condition he called condition two, and the lesser condition he called condition one and there was turnover and watch section clean-up, the second watch.
1.1-3 And Rickover said "Let there be a heat exchanger to separate the primary from the secondary". The heat exchanger he called Steam Generator. Rickover saw the heat exchanger was good and there was turnover and watch section clean-up, the third watch.
1.1-4 Rickover said "Let the rods be raised from the reactor and may heat transfer exsist upon the surface of the steam generator". Rickover saw that it was good and there was turnover and watch section clean-up, the fourth watch.
1.1-5 And Rickover said "Let the reactor coolant team with nuclides and isotopes, each decaying according their kinds", and it was so. Rickover saw that it was good and there was turnover and watch section clean-up, the fifth watch.
1.1-6 And Rickover said "Lets make watchstanders in our image, male and also other males", and Rickover created watchstanders. Rickover saw that it was good and there was turnover and watch section clean-up, the sixth watch.
1.1-7 And Rickover looked at all he had created and saw that it was good, then he made procedures because he damn sure never rested any day of the week. And there was turnover and watch section clean-up, the seventh watch.
1.1-8 In the East, Rickover placed a garden which he called Groton. In the garden he placed two piers, the pier of Knowledge of Good Procedure, and the pier of Eternal Qualification. Rickover stationed the watchstanders in Groton and told them "All the piers in all of the seas I give to you to moor, but at the pier of Knowledge of Good Procedure thou shall not moor, for in the day that thou tie up there, you shall surely be disqualified."
1.2-1 The Fall
The Smag was the most crafty of all watchstanders in the world. "You will not be disqualified, you will become like Rickover, knowing and using both good and bad proceedure." The watchstanders were decieved and moored at the pier of the Knowledge of Good Procedure. Then, the watchstanders eyes were opened. They knew they had used bad proceedures and made for themselves a cover story of log gaffings.
1.2-2 Rickover came down to Groton, mustering all his watchstanders. "Why are these logs gaffed?", "That Smag that you put here with us told us to, and we were decieved". And Rickover cursed the boat because of the watchstanders, "With pain shall ye take your logs, and conduct ORSE by the sweat of your brow." Rickover told the Smag "Cursed are you above all divisions. You shall disregard your procedures and they will crush your spirit. Thou shall keep thy lab spotlessly clean all the days of your enlistment."
1.2-3 And Rickover expelled the watchstanders from Groton and disqualified them. He placed a squadron rider there with a flamming sword, lest the watchstanders should moor at the pier of Eternal Qualification.
2.1-1 Cain and Able
Among the watchstanders were PO3 Cain and PO3 Able. Petty Officer Able was highly qualified and was looked upon with favor by Rickover. Petty Officer Cain was not looked upon with favor. One day Cain conducted improper watch turnover with Able ad left his bilges full. Rickover came down and saw the bilges. "Cain, the bilge water of your shipmate cries out to me. Why did you conduct improper turnover?" Petty Officer Cain answered him "Am I my shipmate's keeper?" "Cursed art thou Cain. Thou shall ever be a roving watch, banned from operating all equipment." "But the other watchstanders will execute shaft alley justice on me." "I shall mark thee with a clipboard so they shall know thou art a watchstander."
2.1-2 Adam Qualified Seth. All together Adam was qualified 3927 days. Seth Qualified Jones. All together Seth was qualified 2718 days. Jones qualified Smith. All together Jones was qualified 4192 days. Smith qualified Noah. All together Smith was qualified 3506 days.
3.1-1 The Flood
Watchstanders increased on the earth and multiplied in number. Rickover saw that the watchstanders were evil all of the time. Noah was a good watchstander and took his logs with care. Rickover spoke to Noah and said unto him "Make me a T-Hull. Make it 500 cubits long and 40 cubits wide. Take into the T-Hull two of every kind of warhead, according to their kind, For I am going to flood the world with communists. For forty years shall they flood the world."
3.1-2 So Noah built a T-Hull and brought on board two of every type of warhead, according to their kinds. And Rickover rained communists on the world for forty years. Noah was safe on the T-Hull. At the end of the forty years, Noah sent out a dove from the T-Hull. It returned that evening with a peice of the Berlin Wall in it's beak and Noah knew that the forces of communism had receded from the world.
3.2-1 The Tunnel of Babel
Watchstanders increased once more upon the boat, and they gathered together in one compartment. They said to themselves, "Let us build for ourselves a tunnel by the reactor so that we may be closer to Rickover".
3.2-2 And Rickover came down to the boat and saw the tunnel. "If this continues the Watchstanders will be able to accomplish anything". So he scattered the watchstanders into two compartments and confused their languages into nuke-speak and conner-speak and that place was called Babel.
3.3-2 Forward Berthing and Gomorrah
Chief Lot racked in forward berthing. Rickover came to Lot and told him "Chief Lot, take all of your possessions and leave forward berthing for it stinks in my nostrils. Leave nothing behind." Chief Lot asked of Rickover "But what if there are clean personnel in forward berthing? Will you not spare it for the sake of 10 clean sailors?" Rickover said "I will spare it for 10 clean sailors." "But what if there are only 5 clean sailors?" "I will spare it for the sake of 5 clean sailors."
3.3-3 Rickover came again to Chief Lot "Take all of your possesions and leave, for I am going to scour forward berthing with fire and Simple Green. Leave nothing behind". So Lot left forward berthing and Rickover scoured it with fire and Simple Green. However, Lot left his magazine collection behind and it was turned into a pillar of TDU cans.
4.1-1 Chief Abraham
Chief Abraham had no petty officers in his division. Rickover came to Abraham and said "At this time next year, I will give you a petty offcer". So at the appointed time, a petty officer arrived in Chief Abraham's division, his name was PO3 Issac.
4.1-2 Rickover cane once more to Chief Abraham. "Chief, I want you to sacrifice Issac, your only petty officer, at a critique." So Abraham took his only petty officer out into the wardroom and there prepared a critique. PO3 Issac asked his chief "Who is in trouble? What incident are we critiqueing?". "Rickover will provide," said chief Abraham unto Issac.
4.1-3 Chief Abraham grabbed PO3 Issac to throw him into the wardroom, but an Engineer sent from Rickover stayed his hand. And there, caught in the passageway was a RAM 3400. Chief Abraham took the RAM 3400 and placed in the wardroom and it was sacrificed at the critique.
5.1-1 Jacob and Esau
Chief Abraham retired to CivPacFlt. Petty Officer Issac passed his chief's board and took over the division.
5.1-2 Chief Issac had two outstanding petty officers in his division, PO3 Jacob, and PO3 Esau. PO3 Esau was the senior member of the division, and always rolled up his sleeves to do work. One underway, Esau was very thirsty. "Hand me one of those Mountain Dews you stowed in your rack", he said to Petty Officer Jacob. "Only if we trade evals this next cycle" replied Jacob. PO3 Esau laughed and took the Mountain Dew.
5.2-1 When it was time for evals to be written, Chief Isaac said to Esau, "Go out onto the computer, and type up all of the good things you did this cycle." So Esau left to type up all of his good points for his eval.
5.2-2 Now Issac was half blind. When Esau left, PO3 Jacob took his own poopy suit, stapled Esau's name tape on it, and rolled up his sleaves (as if he ever did any work.) Jacob took a fake eval, and routed it to Chief Issac.
5.2-3 Issac looked at the eval, and was preparing to sign it. "I thought Petty Officer Esau repaired the FTN-9. And didn't he also stay late to blow the DCA? And wasn't it Esau that found the relative bearing grease for the rudder?" PO3 Jacob looked Chief Issac straight in the eye and said, "You really are blind, Chief. I am Esau. Look, my sleves are rolled up. Did you ever see that douche Jacob roll up his sleeves? Oh, and by the way, here's his eval." Chief Issac felt Jacob's arms, and felt that his sleeves had been rolled up. He said "You are Petty Officer Esau," and signed the evals.
5.2-4 PO3 Esau returned with his glowing eval and said "Hey, Chief! I've got my brag sheet ready." Whereapon Chief Issac said, "Shit! I already signed off your eval. Uh...suck it up 'till next cycle."
5.2-5 That cycle, PO3 Jacob was advanced because of his eval (and his large PNA score.)
6.1-1 The Poopy Suit of Many Colors
In time PO2 Jacob became Chief Jacob, and ran the division. He had twelve petty officers under him, but his favorite was PO2 Joseph. Petty Officer Joseph administrated the division while his chief was away. He routed large volumes of paperwork and generally ass kissed.
6.2-1 One day, during quarters, when Chief Jacob was announcing the POD, he presented PO2 Joseph with a brand new poopy suit. It was covered with green, yellow and red NAM's. The other sailors saw the poopy suit and in their jealousy plotted to screw with him.
6.1-2 One day, after field day, the division was shooting the breeze in lower level. "Look, here comes that arrogant (language that is too immoral to hear, even for submariners)". The whole division stood and grunted. "Hey," said one, "San 2 is open right now, why don't we toss him in?" However, the senior petty officer said no. So instead, when Joseph arrived, they grabbed him and drug him off to Tiger Team.
Updating again!